All the reasons these women won’t ‘have more babies’

National Party leader Christopher Luxon encouraged New Zealanders to “have more babies” at an infrastructure conference in Christchurch this week.

He claims it was tongue in cheek but to many the choice to have a child is no joke. And often, it isn’t a choice at all.

Whenever a politician suggests the nation should get to baby-making, there are endless think pieces about the declining age of parents and the over or under-population of the world.

The average age of people in Aotearoa becoming parents has increased, in 2022, the median age of parents giving birth was 31.2 years, compared with around 25 years in the 1970s. There’s also the matter of declining fertility rates. Even the UN predicts 23 countries will see their populations halved by the end of the century.

READ MORE:
* Christopher Luxon has a point: New Zealand needs more people
* National leader Christopher Luxon says we should ‘have more babies’
* Have you chosen not to have kids? Tell us why

But the reasons behind our choices or lack of choice in beginning or expanding our families is rarely due to just one reason. I asked my community, and the responses came in thick and fast – many were heartbreaking.

Rarely did any parent have just one reason for not having a child. Reasons ranged from “wanting my body back” to “wanting a career” to not wanting to pass on health conditions. Others had too many concerns and questions “my biggest fear is that I’ll love my kids but hate being a mum”.

Here are just some of the stories from New Zealanders when asked why they didn’t ‘have more babies’

I wanted children but life had other plans…

We planned to have four kids, and then said goodbye to our second daughter when we found out about a fatal foetal anomaly at our anatomy scan. I grieved for a while, and so there are four years between our kids, which wasn’t in the plan. Then my son had a twin who vanished in utero, so we took that as a sign to stop, and that we weren’t supposed to have more kids. I’ve come around to the fact that our family works really well with two kids, but it still hurts sometimes, as it was me who wanted a bigger family. – Rebecca, 36, Waikato

We have two girls, six and nine years old. We have also had miscarriages. Three years ago, we had another daughter. She lived for three weeks. We found we were carriers of a genetic condition that was so severe most babies didn’t survivethe birth. I would love to have another baby. But there are now hurdles to jump. Antenatal screening and managed miscarriage, IVF screening, carrying a baby to term for them to live a few days. No option seems great. – Alice, 36, Northland

I always wanted kids but never met someone and didn’t want to have to do it alone by choice. I made my peace with not having them to find out I probably couldn’t have had any as I have severe endometriosis. – Sarah, 44, Canterbury

I was traumatised by my pregnancy and birth…

I’m not having any more kids because I don’t want to buy a van. And also, I nearly died during every birth, so that’s hard. – Jo, 39, Tāmaki Makaurau

We have chosen to only have one. Pregnancy took a mental and physical toll on me, it was a traumatic birth, and postpartum was difficult. So I was pretty set on not having anymore. Also, I come from a massive family, and I had to miss out on stuff all the time because of money or time-poor parents, so it’s nice to know my child won’t have those issues. – Emma, 32, Tāmaki Makaurau

I had horrific Hyperemesis Gravidarum during my pregnancy, from six weeks to roughly 30 weeks. I was housebound for three months. I always planned on having more than one kid but there is absolutely no chance I’m going through that again! My GP thinks I have PTSD from it, although I haven’t been formally diagnosed. – Georgia, 30, Tāmaki Makaurau

We have one child after six rounds of IVF, and he was the only embryo that made it. But pregnancy and recovery was so awful I wouldn’t do it again even if we had the money! – Kristina, 44, Tāmaki Makaurau

I’m not having more because two C-sections was plenty. Your body can only be cut open so many times. Also, I had severe PND after baby number two. – Kate, 32, Northland.Many people simply don’t want children. The childfree by choice movement is growing even in the face of the usual attacks from misogynist circles who believe all women should be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen.

I’m childfree by choice…

I just never wanted them, simple as that – Anna, 49, Horowhenua

I don’t have a maternal bone in my body! Everyone said it’s different if it’s yours, however, it wasn’t worth the risk in case that didn’t happen. Then I’d be stuck with a child I didn’t want. It sounds harsh, I know, but I’m 48 now and have no regrets. – Mel, Tāmaki Makaurau

Life with children just seems so… boring and repetitive to me. – Tamara, 42, Te Whanganui a Tara

I’m 43 and decided in my 20s that I just wasn’t fussed on kids. I love my nephew and am the weird “aunty” to all my friends’ kids. Children are cool and amazing little humans – but from, like, over here. Like Cher once said, “you’ve seen how fussy I am about shoes and they only go on my feet” – Di, Tāmaki Makaurau

I expected I’d have kids because my mum would always say “when you have kids…” I thought it was just what you did. When I was younger, I’d say to myself “I’ll have them young to get it over with”. I didn’t. And then I realised it was a choice, not an expectation I had to fulfil, and I had other priorities. My mental health isn’t great, my family’s trauma history isn’t a nice inheritance, and I wanted to keep life as simple and stress-free as possible. My partner felt the same. Now we’ve decided, we concentrate on other relationships, each other, our communities. I actually love kids! I just don’t want my own. – Laura, 35, Tāmaki Makaurau

We’ve decided not to have babies for a few reasons. We both have generational mental health issues that mean we don’t feel like we’d be giving a child the best chance at life if they were to inherit any of our issues. On top of that, I have anxiety to the point where being in a busy supermarket can be difficult, so adding the often-unknown nature of a child would make it even worse. We’re also “selfish” according to some people – while we own our home, and are on relatively high incomes, we want the freedom to enjoy our time and money without having to factor in the care of a dependant. – Alice, 30, Tāmaki Makaurau

I can’t afford it…

I simply can’t afford to and as time goes on the cost of everything rises and I get that much closer to the end of my childbearing years – Andrea, 38, Tāmaki Makaurau

How can you afford a house, nevermind children in this day and age? My parents struggled in the 90s and it doesn’t seem any better now. – Carmen, 32, Tāmaki Makaurau

As a solo mum by choice, the cost of fertility treatment is my first barrier. Secondary to that is the lack of proper financial support while caring for a newborn, plus the ongoing costs of daycare and just the general cost of raising another child! With unlimited money, I would love to give my son a sibling. – Alison, 39, Tāmaki Makaurau

I would love another baby, but we literally can’t afford it. Especially not with our mortgage payments/groceries/cost of being alive. – Pip, 37, Tāmaki Makaurau

I’m a lesbian and it would be really expensive to have a kid. – Georgia, 28, Wairarapa

I’m planning to have one kid after a lifetime of wanting two, it’s too expensive and it’s contributing to climate change. Alex, 29, Tairāwhiti

We only ever planned on having one, and now we have one. I think we’d consider having another if we could afford for my husband to stay home. But we can’t, so one and done. – Rhiannon, 32, Tāmaki Makaurau

It’s the cost of medical care, poor quality housing impacting health – like having to take a toddler to A&E because she can’t breathe due to the coldness of the house triggering respiratory issues. The cost of food, the lack of mental health support … for struggling parents, limited ECE options and cost of public transport. – Sam, 35, Te Whanganui a Tara

No more kids for us. Life is too expensive, and the world is on fire. I wanted three or four but society just doesn’t make that doable. Even as two working parents with a very small mortgage, we are overwhelmed by pressure. – Lily, 30, Waikato

I’m worried about climate change…

Is it normal that one of my reasons to not have more is wanting to be able to carry all my children to safety in the climate apocalypse?! It’s not just me right! – Emma, 34, Waikato

I am scared about the future. I am scared of climate change and I’m not sure I want to bring a baby into the world myself for that reason, I’m scared of the future I’d be leaving for my child. – Sophie, 28, Ōtepoti

I’m exhausted and the support isn’t there….

I stopped at two. I’d love to have more but I wouldn’t cope. Mostly mentally and the support available is extremely limited but also, it’s already impossible to have any semblance of balance between home life and the paid work I’d like to do. – Pip, 37, Taupō

I can’t ever fathom having enough financial security or time to have kids, let alone the mental capacity. If it’s enough of a struggle to look after myself, adding a child would only make things worse, and be unfair on the child. I’ve accepted that this will probably never change for me, but thankfully my desire to have kids has never been very strong, more of an enforced expectation. – Kimberley, 33, Te Whanganui a Tara

I would love a third, but I know it would compromise my ability to be who my children need me to be. I worry another child would exhaust me further and it would undo all of my hard work and risk slipping back to that dark place again. – Paige, 25 Canterbury