Sleb Safari: John Mellencamp and Meg Ryan tried the real world on for size

John Mellencamp, formerly Johnny Cougar, then John Cougar and then John Cougar Mellancamp and now John Mellencap, has had a lot of (unnecessary) personas. Now, luxuriating in being 71 and having zero you-know-whats to give, he has been chatting to Esquire about life, learnings, not knowing how many grandchildren he has, farming, Jack and Diane, picking fights with the largest man in the bar when he was abusing alcohol and drugs, life in Indiana and his relationship with Meg Ryan – the darling of 90s  rom-coms and the person directors always wanted to cast alongside Tom Hanks.

Among John’s many wisdoms shared is the clear-sighted: “Do you know what luck is? Luck is thinking you’re lucky. If you think you’re lucky, you are.”

And when he talks about his relationship with Meg Ryan, that’s where it sounds like a reality check on exactly how far removed celebrities are from the real world.

John says he loves Meg and admits to having been a poor excuse for a boyfriend. Sounding like someone from north Antrim, circa 1982, he says: “I went with her for ten years.” Was it a ‘big line’ then John?

Now, post break-up, John says “she doesn’t love me so much. She’s a great girl. I’m just a shi**y boyfriend”. If you think it John, then it must be true.

The couple were together from around 2010 and made a pact to experience life as members of the general public. Turns out it wasn’t as straightforward as they’d imagined, but at least they had fun trying to be civilians.

“Meg Ryan had just come out of her shell; I had just come out of my shell. We started dating. And we decided to do things on our own instead of having people do stuff for us. We were so f***ing lost. We didn’t know how to do anything,” said John by way of scene setting.

And then it gets good: “I’ve never checked out of a hotel by myself. Her and I went to a grocery store, and they wanted our credit card, and we looked at each other and said, ‘Here it is’, and they said, ‘No, you’ve got to put it in this thing’, and we went, ‘Then what happens?’ We laughed at how stupid we are, so hard we cried. I think she’s learned how to do everything, and I’ve learned how to do nothing.” 

If ever there was a time to feel grateful for the life you live, this is it.

Penny Lancaster keeps Rod Stewart on the straight and narrow

Rod Stewart has shed light on the essential role(s) his wife, Penny Lancaster, plays in his life.

In a nutshell, Penny has stopped Rod and Donald Trump’s playdates.

“I have a house in Palm Beach just up the road from Trump,” Stewart told Scottish Field magazine. “I used to go to his Christmas party and the balls he held but then my wife said ‘no’. There was stuff he was coming out with, what he was saying about women he had known in the past, and Penny said, ‘You’re not going — he’s a disgrace.’”

Behind a percentage of men is a much wiser woman…

Non, je ne regrette rien

You’re determined to get a tattoo and weighing up your options – a rose, ‘Mum’, something elaborate involving a Celtic cross and an octopus… or Philip Schofield on a butt cheek.

We have The Mirror to thank for this particular addition to the Philip Schofield canon and thank them we do.

A gentleman from Stockon-On-Tees wants everyone to know that he doesn’t for one minute regret that tattoo. Nor does he have misgivings about the Holly Willoughy he has inked on the other butt cheek.

Matty O’Hagan had the artwork added to his bottom in 2017 in response to a flatmate having Ant and Dec tattooed on his behind.

The Daily Mirror even has a picture of Philip and Holly posing on either side of Matty’s bottom back in 2017.

Thank goodness we have cleared that up. Carry on Matty.

Social Media Smut