‘I feel dumb’: How to help children navigate making mistakes

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Growing up, I felt shame and embarrassment whenever I made a mistake. I was raised to believe that life didn’t hold room for mishaps. I felt I had to calculate every movement, every thought and every word that came out of my mouth. If I scored badly on a test or asked questions that seemed obvious to others, I’d feel disappointed in myself. Why was I the only one who always had to feel stupid? Where was this feeling coming from, and how could I know everything without being taught?

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It took me a long time to learn that mistakes are part of life, allowing me to change, adapt and grow. The most difficult part was accepting that I wasn’t perfect, allowing myself to fail, pick myself up and try again. I would get defensive and justify my mistakes when I should have accepted where I went wrong and moved on. I still struggle with this, as do many others with whom I’ve had the pleasure of talking.

As I got older and began working with children, I noticed I wasn’t the only one who struggled with these feelings. My students showed signs of fear, disappointment and shame when they did not fully understand a concept.

If they made a mistake, they were quick to shut down or attempt to defend themselves instead of remaining open to learning. When I asked them how they felt when they made a mistake, they gave the following answers:

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The question became: How do I as a teacher educate my students on the importance of making a mistake and how can I help them cope with all the feelings that come with it? My students shed light on what would make them feel more comfortable. Many expressed the need to feel supported and included. They expressed that if their peers made the same mistakes, they would feel at ease discussing where they went wrong. They also shared the importance of being supported by their friends and being able to speak to a teacher privately outside class time.

Mistakes are vital for learning and it is unrealistic to think otherwise. Sometimes life lessons are obvious. Other times, they require self-reflection to navigate. How we deal with these experiences makes all the difference. When teaching about making mistakes, here are some things to consider.

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Be open and non-biased. A child is more likely to open up to someone they feel won’t judge them. You want your children to be open with you and you want to be compassionate and understanding. You were a kid once — you made many mistakes to get to where you are today. Connect with your child to make them feel safe.

Make mistake-making a fun learning experience. Mistakes offer great opportunities for discussions. Ask your child questions about their actions and how they made them feel. You can then explore different solutions, allowing your child to devise strategies and ideas to solve the problem or fix the mistake. You’ll be surprised at how insightful your children can be.

Teach kids how to lose and accept failure. Learning to handle disappointment is a valuable skill. Understanding how to deal with this uncomfortable emotion allows kids to problem-solve instead of sulking over a bad choice they got in trouble for. A child who can deal with disappointment is much more resilient and self-aware.

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Be positive and encouraging. We are raising tomorrow’s leaders. We want our kids to make mistakes, understand where they went wrong and reflect on their actions for the future. Praising them with positive feedback when they can acknowledge a mistake or a problem solve. A child who can take ownership of a mistake will be more resilient. They will continue to adapt and grow, conquering anything in their way.

Making mistakes is part of life. How do you feel when you make a mistake? Share your stories with us!

Bianca Ferrara is a Quebec schoolteacher. You can send her questions, anecdotes and feedback: [email protected]

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